Hey Food Lovers! I pray this finds you and your families extremely well...and calm.
I started this website and call myself a Culinary Lifestyle Blogger because while the culinary industry is my heartbeat, I love other portions of my lifestyle which do not always connect with food. They resonate deeply with me and influence my career, and I wanted to be able to connect everything (or showcase people) without confusing readers. Today I am happy to introduce one of my FAVORITE THINGS: Fashion! Particularly hair.
A Few Things I Should Tell You:
1. I love hair. Yours, mine, his and hers.
2. My hair has undergone several transformations, but has been long for the past 20+ years. It has actually become such a part of me that the way friends describe memories we have shared is either by the last meal we shared together, or what hairstyle I had. It tickles me when they can remember both. :)
3. Hair is one of the quickest ways to look outside of myself and evaluate my life. I enjoy taking risks with my hair-it brings me to life! I love how certain styles and colors make me feel, and I love being able to express that in my writings and culinary career.
4. My stylist T is excellent at what she does and inspires me to do the same in my world. She always asks how I am doing/feeling, how work is currently going and my next moves. While I answer, she pays close attention and ends up giving me a hairstyle that causes me to step out of my current comfort zone and take a leap into the next level I'm reaching for. It's more than just hair; her gift penetrates my soul and lifts me up!
With that said, I cut my hair off...and T 'saved me.'
For the past 2-3 months I've been reading and watching hair tutorials. I normally get my hair done, but in between our appointments, I wanted to be able to still look and feel great. I was back to taking full care of my hair and trying out more styles than a low bun with a gorgeous headwrap to cover it up for work. I'm not very good at straightening it so I decided to only embrace the curly styles. I really took a liking to a twist out for three reasons. First, I loved the results! My curls were well moisturized and POPPIN'. Second of all, it was easy and my scalp got to breathe. Finally, I loved the way it looked before I untwisted them. Due to the length, I was able to play with them and try different styles while the twists did what they needed to do. I most certainly was having a good time with them while able to show Tianna's work.
Recently I had to go somewhere immediately after washing my hair. It was an unplanned event, so I simply pulled my twists back into a ponytail & placed a scarf over it. I got home late and when it came time to fix my hair, my twists had locked in certain places. "Uh-oh," I thought. Usually a deep conditioning and hot oil treatment save any tangles I get, but the way I had pulled my hair back (and me later remembering I was trying out new products) caused my hair to come together far quicker than I could've ever imagined. I spent 1 1/2 hours on a section of my head. After a few tears and a mild headache, I took a break for the night. The thought of reliving another few hours in pain with very little progress (mixed with my impatience) caused a thought of me cutting it off to pop in my head. I laughed at the idea and fell asleep. The next day's attempt was an even thicker matted mess and I realized this whole hair cutting thing was truly becoming a possibility. YIKES.
What did I do? I thought about all of the "What Ifs?" What if I DO have to cut it? What will I do? How will I wear it? What if I hate it? Could I work these scarves until I saw T again? I drummed up at least 20 different solutions. Braids. Faux locs. Wigs. Weaves. Scarves. I read stories about people who chopped theirs off and what they did next. By the time I was done, I had fixed my mind to be able to handle and welcome what the results would be.
Any other time I would have called my stylist. I had a few reasons why I did not, but the main three were:
1. It was very late. She has a family. I'm good.
2. My head had started itching and that is one of the worst feelings to me, especially if I cannot address it.
3. A group of friends and I had participated in something we called Accountability August. We set goals and encouraged one another to achieve them throughout the month.
One of my main lessons from August was discovering how indecisive I had become and how it hindered a lot of forward movements I knew I needed to do. My hair is one place I do not seek approval, permission or the opinion of others in order for me to make a decision about it. If people love it, great! If not, oh well. I just need to like it. I said a prayer, found a small piece I cut test cut and voila- a portion of my hair freed itself from the rest! Success! I then took that section and combed through it. I was feeling confident that I could complete this without losing as much hair as I envisioned.
WHAT. A. JOKE.
I got about halfway in and built up too much hair confidence because the next piece I cut made a sound so distinct and CLOSE. I felt my hair split down the middle, opened up and a huge piece fell on the floor.
SHUCKS. (I used much stronger words.)
A burst of wind hit my scalp and as excited as I was to scratch my head, the first space I touched had WAY LESS HAIR than I was shooting for. All I was really trying to do was detangle it and save as much length and hair as possible. I tried a little longer to salvage and detangle it, but it became obvious that the place I messed up was the crown of my head. The chunks of my hair started easily coming out. I shook my head and less than 10 minutes later, most of my curls were on the sink.
I washed my hair and went to bed. The only thing I was happy about was how clean I felt.
The next morning I researched what styles I could do. My hair looked a hot mess, and after getting over myself, I sent a picture to T. She was not pleased. I told her I could braid my hair until it grew back to a length that matched the next style we had planned, which ironically was still shorter then I am used to. She told me to come in so she could even out my hair and have it grow back properly. I was there the following morning.
I was so nervous to see her. I have never been nervous to see her, in fact, I'm always excited! Not only was I nervous, I was also disappointed in myself for letting this happen and not telling her. I was secretly disappointed because in all my readings on people who did "The big chop," everyone spoke about how good they felt. Using words like "free" and "liberating." They spoke of this immediate feeling of joy and excitement. I felt none of these things, and even though it was a partial accident, I did make a conscious decision to cut it...so I was expecting some happiness to radiate through me. All I felt was a huge cold chunk of hair smack my shoulders as it fell to the floor. "Liberating moment, my @ss," I thought. My hair looked liked a baby chick.
As usual, T did her thing. She brought me back to life and welcomed me to the Short Hair Club! She made me feel so beautiful and excited to embrace a new chapter of life without me recognizing what was about to happen within me. When I left, the only focus I had was to shape up my eyebrows. She made me feel so sexy, I went to try on clothes. I had no intentions of buying anything until this GORGEOUS dress caught my eye. FOUR DOLLARS! Off to the dressing room I went...me and all 23 of my other pieces of clothing, ha ha! I took so many pictures and was having so much fun getting to know and learn this new me. I forgot how much fun being a lady is! I left the store with my dress, and whole lot of pep in my step.
My hair has been cut properly for four days now. The rest of my weekend and experience since this happened has been nothing short of amazing. Not because of all that's happened (I'll save that for a book) but because of what has transpired inside of my soul. I. feel. so. gooooood! The past seven days have been extremely detailed and dramatic. I have seen everything that I want from life and pour back into the world, and I have also seen what I do not want (or need to be.) My emotions and behavior have been all over the place. Scared. Disappointed. Embarrassed. Free. Unattractive. Nervous. Beautiful. Ashamed. Aware. Confident. Decisive. Relieved. Bold. Hurt. Confused. Angry. Honest. Open to receiving constructive criticism from loved ones. Hopeful. The list could go on, but my two favorites are humbled and happy. My spirit resonates deeply with Mother Nature, so between all of the hurricanes, fires, full moon vibes, sunrises and earthquakes I chalked up my range of emotions to being worldly instead of thinking about it from a personal perspective. There were two particular events where I went from feeling happy to breaking down in seconds. Both were needed, but upon waking up the next morning after the last one, I felt nothing but incredible clarity. "I don't want to do this anymore," I said.
"Then don't." whispered a voice.
"But," (I tried arguing.)
"I'm not going to let you fight me on this, Cic. Goooooo."
The voice was my Sweet Sister, whispering all I needed to hear.
Then it hit me: the last time I felt this way was when she passed away. The only difference was the happy & other good emotions I feel now were felt before she died...and I have not ever been able to feel that way since. I've felt spurts of joy, but true happiness that I could keep up? Naw. I was also reminded that I haven't had any type of haircut past a trim since that time. T and I have actually been growing my hair out for a specific photoshoot look. As I sit here typing, sober and fully aware, I can admit life won't ever been the same without her and neither will I. There is a space I do not have to live, react or feed because I can no longer see her. I feel and hear her LOUD and CLEAR and she has asked me, "Well, what CAN YOU BE?"
Happy. Peaceful. Bold. Beautiful. Fun. I can be anything I want to be. Today I choose to take her advice for the long run, and stop doing/being around people where the happiness and positivity dries up and shrivels me out of where I have fought so very hard to be. I am firm believer in going where you are wanted. Loving what you do. Helping others. Smiling for no reason. Fighting fears, demons and doubts with confidence and a firm knowing of Who I belong to. I have seen firsthand how self-sabotage, unhealthy relationships and remaining idle can suck the life out of a person. It makes it easier for infectious people, places and things to attack the soul and keep me in a space that I know I do not belong. The only thing the enemy wants more of is to make sure our wounds stay wide open. My prayer is that all of the negative emotions and behaviors I've experienced were cut off the moment I got scissor happy. May this new look bring me an outlook and reminder that when they try to come back, I can simply cut them back off. The only thing more rewarding than that thought, is if this story can be of service to anyone else who is deeply pained. There is healing to be had.
May you be happy.
May you be healthy.
May you be wealthy.
May you be whole.
May you be HEALED.
That is my prayer for you each and everyday.
The Smitten Chef